Note: This piece
arises from “The Revolution Will Not Be Polite” by Rachael.
Stop right now and read that
first! This draws heavily on her
work.
Recently, a transwoman from a neighboring county was suing
her gym, because they denied her request to participate in a strength training programas a woman. The news was posted to the FaceBook
page of our local LGBT Center.
Within the comments, one self-identified bisexual man
from outside our area - let's call him the oppressor - was defending the gym, using problematic logic like the
“genetics” of sex and gender and his own activist work as justification and
authority for his views. The final
comment had sat for about two days unchallenged by anyone else in the
nearly-1,000-member group.
Now, as a cismale gender-fucker, I don’t propose to be the
authority on transgender issues.
But I am capable of reading an article, and I also think that the onus
should be on me, rather than constantly on trans people, to call out others –
especially other white gay men – on their privilege and transphobic
remarks. So I did.
The conversation, as one could expect, quickly degenerated,
with the oppressor adding such gems as “I’m not transphobic, because that
means afraid of trans people, and I’ve had sex/relationships with trans folks”
and that transgender people were somehow “pretending” to be their gender.[1]
As problematic as that sounds, that wasn’t the issue I want
to write about. Instead, what I
found even more infuriating was the response (and lack of response) from other
community members, especially those who engaged in what I’m calling the
Politics of Politeness.
Now, I know that FaceBook isn’t the real world, but in my
outrage I reached out to my friends and progressive communities to ask for
backing – both personal validation for my responses as well as public reaction in combating this person’s transphobic remarks.
I got a lot of positive support, especially from my trans
friends. But within 24 hours, I
had three older white gay men from the local area all reply – but not to defend
trans people, but instead to either try to placate or shame me. One suggested the transphobic man was
an “intelligent guy” and that “a reasonable discussion with him would change his
mind.” Another asked why I was
“trying to stir up trouble” and then accused me of bullying. A third pled, “let us please remember
that everyone has the right to exist, to hold opinions, and to express them. We
call that Freedom of Speech,” before later also calling me a bully.
Let me pause to state that I realize my actions may not
necessarily have been the most effective way to combat oppression. In a subject worthy of it’s own blog
post here (and I think I may soon do just that), Ngọc
Loan Trần discusses the idea of “calling in” instead of “calling out”. I was definitely engaging in calling
out and not calling in – primarily because I did not identify the oppressor as
someone I wanted to bring into my community. I also was clearly speaking for a community I only
tangentially identify with, and so speaking to an oppression that wasn’t
mine. Still, I felt I was taking a
principled stance that the community I did identify with, the one running the
FaceBook page, needed to have a clear, solid, public, and united front
supporting trans people and fighting transphobia.[2]
Given that, I am tired of gay white men thinking they get to
describe what “bullying” is and using that as a way to perpetuate their
hegemonic power within a community.
I am tired of gay white men engaging in the Politics of Politeness as a
way to silence dissent and perpetuate a system where they don't have to be
questioned, challenged, or called to task for their actions (or inactions). Two of these men have utilized this
same rhetoric and response against me before, and there are a number of other
(older white) gay men in the area who have also previously engaged in this
rhetoric.
The Politics of Politeness, as Rachael from the Social
Justice League points out, is when calling someone a bigot or calling them out
on their prejudice or bigoted actions is seen as taboo – or as “bullying” in
this case. If you “hurt someone’s
feelings, you’re just like the oppressor, right? Wrong.
Oppression is not about hurt feelings.”[3] The situation is complicated for me, of
course, where I’m approaching conversations like the one above from a place of
privilege. If I hurt someone’s
feelings who has similar privileges to me, am I being a bully? More importantly, is another white gay
man allowed to label me as such from their own position of privilege?
Let’s really analyze what the Politics of Politeness tried
to invoke in my FaceBook argument.
The first man tried to provide a cover for the transphobic remarks – it
wasn’t an issue of oppression, it was an issue of an “intelligent guy” that
just needed a “reasonable discussion” – implying, of course, that I was being
unreasonable and treating the oppressor as unintelligent. The third man took this a step forward,
invoking the incredibly troubling trope of “Freedom of Speech” to defend the
person’s statements. (Sounds
scarily similar to those “Religious Freedoms” Arizona was talking about lately
as their excuse to discriminate against gay people). The fact that this is America (a civilized country dammit!)
means that people should clearly be allowed to say their bigoted remarks
without fear of repercussion or anger.
I was obviously violating basic Constitutional rights by my statements
as well as my call to action amongst my friends for support.
All three, to varying degrees, were saying that my approach
– my decision to publicly call an oppressor out on their transphobic remarks –
was just causing trouble, so therefore shouldn’t have happened. Instead, we clearly should have allowed
him to continue to be unchallenged in his own public statements – or at least
waited until someone else came along to challenge him.
Let’s be honest, I never thought my comments were going to
create some epiphany in our oppressor.
My point wasn’t to create some miraculous change of heart for him, but
instead to take a principled, public stance against language I found
increasingly problematic, and to create shame where shame belongs – in people
engaging in transphobic discourse.
Regardless of whether you think my position was the right one to take,
the Politics of Politeness were engaged in a way to silence and shame me in
return, to threaten me against ever speaking out again in the manner I had done
so, and to remain complacent in order to perpetuate systems of oppression.
This is a phenomenon that I have seen repeated in a number
of contexts, but is particularly invoked within my current community by white
gay men – especially older white gay men.
Any question about intersectionality or sexism or transphobia creates
dissonance and challenges beliefs, especially the belief that by being part of
an oppressed class you somehow get a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card for all other
forms of oppressions. If we don’t
talk about sexism or racism or transphobia, they clearly aren’t happening,
right? Certainly not in the gay
community!
The response, therefore, is to invoke this Politics of
Politeness to secure the status quo. Speaking up against oppression isn’t polite – especially not
when your target is another queer man.
Getting angry about oppression isn’t polite. Asking others to get angry about oppression isn’t just not
polite, it’s bullying. Creating
collective power against oppression is “teaming up” and “schoolyard bullying”
when you’re targeting a poor, single, clearly-just-misinformed not-a-bigot man.
This form of complicity is not reserved just for older white
gay men, and it has the potential to affect all of us (feel free share your
experiences in the comments!) I am
tired of this Politics. I will not
remain silent nor polite. If I so
choose, I will call people out on all social media formats when they are being
bigots, and I will not sugar coat it.
I will be angry, and I will ask – no, demand – that my friends and my
social circles be angry as well.
As Mia McKenzie from Black Girl Dangerous so accurately puts it (while
discussing issues of white silence), “I need you to care about this. And I need you to show that you do, by
commenting, by sharing, by making noise about this. I need you to be OUTRAGED. Because otherwise, I can’t trust you. Otherwise, you are part of the
problem. Otherwise, we are not
really friends at all.”[4]
[1]Further comments continued along tropes like this, including that his sexual relationships allowed him to "get" trans issues more than the rest of us. In this way I saw the power he was enacting similar to that of other queer males.
[2] For the record, the tactic worked. After numerous people replied, the Executive Director of the organization posted an extremely clear message of why the Center firmly opposed the views espoused by the oppressor, while not necessarily calling him out specifically.
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Thanks for your comment! I enjoy constructive criticism and feedback, and love engaging others in dialogue. I do not enjoy unconstructive trolling or emotional attacks, so hopefully you refrained from those!